I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
