I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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