Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can i not drive my cunt home
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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