dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
