My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize