matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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