I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
