1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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