Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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