My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize