is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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