I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
