I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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