I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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