someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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