Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
