I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
