Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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