sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I believe in your delicious
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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