dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
