I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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