I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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