My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
