I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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