i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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