Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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