i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
