theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
