Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
