SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
