Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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