this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You took a bar mat shot.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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