Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
