if i can run in heels then i can drive
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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