you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize