you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
