I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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