my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize