dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
