Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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