I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
