So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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