the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
