I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
