you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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