I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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