I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
