Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
