...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
