there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
