bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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