just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
