No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
