i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
