I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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