I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
