I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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