Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
