that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
