I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
