Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
