The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
