dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
